Lugnet.

Den där känslan när lugnet infinner sig, när man är nöjd och lycklig. Den har jag nu, dagen innan Olivers första midsommar. 

Han ligger och sover i min famn, han är så fin. Det sötaste lilla knytet bäbis som finns. Han kan förstås vara jobbig med, skrika tills lungerna nästan exploderar. Men just nu är det lugnt här hemma, helt tyst. Kylen låter lite, det är det enda. Jag borde gå upp och släppa in katterna, eftersom det regnar och det jamar vid dörren, men jag väntar för Oliver sover så djupt precis bredvid mig. Han suger på sin lilla pingvinnapp och jag läser tidningar. Det är inte många sånna här stunder med en bäbis som Oliver, han är nästan alltid vaken, nyfiken och vill vara med. Så det blir för det mesta inte så mycket gjort här hemma på dagarna.. Men det gör ingenting, jag sjunger sånger och vaggar en snart tremånaders bäbis och allt annat blir mindre viktigt. 

Så alltså, imorgon är det Olivers första midsommar, denna favorithögtid då det nästan alltid regnar men alla är glada ändå. När solen alltid är uppe till midnatt och vi plockar blommor och äter varmrökt lax. 

   
     

Så, hur är det då att vara Oliver. Han har nu funnits i våra liv i 3 månader och har helt plötsligt gjort att jag och konrad blev en familj! Oliver beskriven i ord skulle vara, nyfiken, envis, glad, sanslöst söt och alldeles underbar! Han har verkligen redan en personlighet och är en mix av sin mamma och pappa. Envisheten från sin mor och glädjen av sin far. Och en go liten mix kommer han med all säkerhet bli. Som jag längtar! 

Pussokram sålänge! 

Vem är jag?

Just nu är jag bara mamma, då Oliver endast 7 veckor är. Jag avskyr att damma och det är väldigt sällan jag svär. Det jag mest gör är att amma och det nya livet som mamma lär. 

Min kropp har märken av livet jag bar, av det han en gång var. Nu är han en person med viss envishet och skrattar som en liten liten get! 

Underbaraclara skrev ett litet rim om vem hon var och undrade vem vi var. Jag skrev en liten kommentar som jag också postar här! Det är precis så det känns, jag är mamma nu. Och Oliver är det finaste som finns! 

Blev ett litet inlägg på svenska! Här kommer några bilder! 

   
               Puss

The story of how Oliver came to this world!

It’s weird how they say you forget pregnancy and giving birth quite quick after, both the hard painful parts but also that smog you’re in. I never thought that was true, until now when I have experienced it. 

I wanted to write down my feelings for the last couple of weeks, now when little Oliver is finally here with us! Right now when I look at him I wonder how it all happened. He came out of me, I gave him his life. And it’s probably the craziest thing which ever happened in my life, and ever will happen. 

The last couple of weeks have been like a roller coaster, ups and downs, happiness together with cries of frustration and pain. But I’m so thankful he is here, with five fingers and toes and a happy grin in his face. Thankful of having the best husband in the world, knowing what to do every time I panic. Thankfull for all the love we have and will give to him, for the rest of our lives. 

Back to the pain, the very intensive pain of child birth. Here is a short story if what happened on the night of the 21st of March: 

I woke up at 1.30 and needed to pee. Took two steps out of bed and my water broke, like in the movies. Gash, the panic. Konrad was still up (for some reason, he should have slept) and I ran to the toilet when he started cleaning up. Then I called the hospital in Lund, they were full but told me to relax, eat some painkillers and try to sleep. Ten minutes later the contractions started and they started close together straight ahead. And holy moly was that painful. I could not lay down at all. After we had timed the contractions for a while I decided to call another hospital in case we needed to leave earlier. They had lots of space in Ystad and she told me that it will most likely take a while as it’s the first time. I tried so hard to relax and breath through the pain but I was really bad at it, 😉. At the end I had to sit on the Pilates ball in the shower, only thing that helped. Konrad started packing our stuff and fill up cat food and all those things you need to do before you leave. At 4 I called Ystad again and told them that we wanted to come in and that I was in too much pain (I think she smiled a little in the other end of the phone, thinking that I exaggerated too much). When we arrived at 5.15 I could almost not walk from the car and it took forever to get to the door and then up the elevator. The women I talked to on the phone gave us a room and she didn’t want to give me pain relief until she knew how far I was. She placed those readers on my belly to measure baby’s heart rate and my contractions, and it took forever… I just wanted something for the pain. Then when she finally took a look I was eight cm open and she could feel his hair. No wonder I was in pain (I had read this is the most painful part). Anyways, it was too late for all type of pain relief, except laughing gas, so I quickly started breathing in the gas.. And it was so much better! I could concentrate my pain and focus. After this you need to push the baby’s head downwards, so I sat on a Pilates ball again, bouncing up and down with the gas in one hand and Konrad’s hand in the other. 

By this time it was 7 o’clock and we had to get new midwifes and doctors as they had a change over from the night shift. 3 women took over and I honestly don’t remember much from this part. I started pushing and all of a sudden he was out, at 7.52. I got him straight on to my chest, something I had asked for. And he was the most beautiful baby in the whole wide world. 

He was 51 cm, weighed 3600 grams and had a lot of dark hair. 

  

After I was fixed up (will spare you the details), we got a family room where we spend the next 2,5 days together as a family for the first time. I don’t remember much of this time either, as it was a constant fog in my head. I was feeling vulnerable and in pain, happiness and so much love, everything at once. Konrad had to do everything practical for a couple of days, both for the baby and me! The only thing I could do was to feed Oliver. 

  

Things I wish I knew before (but I wouldn’t have listened anyways!):

– breast feeding is a pain in the beginning (I cried my eyes out for days)

– it’s more than a full time job the first 2 weeks

– you need special clothes for breast feeding, I had none, was not prepared and had to go shopping after 2 weeks

Things that are better after birth:

– you don’t have to pee all the time

– you can start sleeping on the side again

– you can eat stuff again 

– with time you get energy and can start enjoying life with a baby

Anyways, this is how I became the mother of Oliver Wilkens. And how I became the most important person in his life, together with Konrad! 

My pregnancy part 3.

So, after Christmas I started getting heavy. And I started getting some pain. Some nerves got stuck in my lower back so I couldn’t walk for some days, but it disappeared. Luckily!
We did some trips at the beginning of the year, a little bit late in pregnancy but had no choice. One was to Berlin for NY to meet Konrad’s family. And one was to the Austrian alps for a wedding. Both trips were exhausting but nice and maybe wasting money on doing nothing, but that’s how it is sometimes. Loved seeing all the people, plus we had an awesome rental car in Austria (which I mainly had to drive)!

Two weeks ago we learned that the baby was lying bum down (breech position) and everything changed.. I had to do a turning in the hospital, which meant that it could lead to an emergency cesarian (as turning a baby from the outside can start labor) or a 50% chance he wouldn’t turn and then that would lead to a planned cesarian.
Gah, I was nervous and was on sick leave. I had my last day at work 2 weeks ago, which was not expected but looking back probably the best decision. We went in for an ultrasound on the Wednesday and had the turning on the Friday. They hooked me up with some womb relaxing medicine and 6 trails and 2 doctors later he was turned. He is already the most stubborn baby ever..! Luckily it all went well and I had to start thinking of normal birth again. However, as they had to try so hard I was sore as hell, even bruising, this meant I couldn’t walk for almost a week. Thursday this week was the first day I went for a small walk in the forest. And since then it’s gotten better.

Some facts:
We have done parenting classes and a breathing course
I have gained 15 kg
Baby is about 3 kg now
He will be born in March
We bought or got everything we need, big thanks to everyone!!
It still feels like a joke, to have a human being inside my body (literary)
He will be half me half Konrad
I’m changing my last name to Wilkens, giving up Roos
We are so excited and ready and scared

See you soon baby boy!!

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My pregnancy part 2.

Alright, let’s move on to the less nice part of my 9 months of having this baby growing inside me.
The happy summer was over and when it was time to go back to work nausea broke loose. I couldn’t eat anything except pasta and bread for 2 months. Felt constantly sick. Threw up every time I ate something with a little bit of taste and it sucked. Was home sick from work 2 times and people started wondering, so finally I told everyone. I’m thankful to work for a company that is extremely accepting and everyone has been happy for me since day one!

We did the mid-term ultrasound and it was all good. I forgot to tell you we also did the early ultrasound in week 12, to check for problems and to see what was going on. I really wanted to do the early one as I’m sure I would have regret it otherwise. The baby didn’t have any abnormalities, 😃. It’s such a big discussion on wether to do this early one or not, I have the opinion that everyone has to be prepared for anything with birth and if it helps you through this or you can take a decision later then that’s fine. If I can know early the more relaxed/prepared I can be. And it was also so nice to see the baby for the first time, it feels like you could just be tricked on the whole pregnancy thing, seeing this little thing inside you really makes you emotional. Konrad loved it too!
And on the second ultrasound we found out we will have a son.

Anyways, the whole autumn was pretty sucky. First closer to Christmas I started feeling better again and started gaining weight properly! Being able to eat everything again was heaven!! Baby boy was growing well at every check I had, he also started
kicking a lot.

In the middle of everything I turned 30 and we had some celebrations! And after that I think everyone close in my life knew!

Work took a lot of energy, it was basically all I could handle. I do have long days as I commute too. But in one way it was good to keep busy.

We also had kittens born in September, cutest kittens in the whole world. So small! I was super emotional too. Then we sold one a couple of months later and I cried my eyes out. Luckily the other one is still with us and he is lying on the chest as I write this!

Ok, cravings. Everyone asks me about cravings. It really hasn’t been bad. I’ve been drinking a lot of juice and “nyponsoppa”. And eaten a lot of oranges. Food wise I’ve been wanting basic food, stuff you ate when you were a kid.
I haven’t eaten a lot of meat or chocolate, weirdly. Lately Konrad’s been making lots of heavy salads which is really good as they contain iron. And they’re tasty!!

Will write the final part today or tmr.
Love

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My pregnancy part 1.

Hey, it’s been a while and I really wanted to write down my pregnancy story before it’s over. When this baby is born I think I will have already forgotten all the charm of having something growing inside me for 9 months.

So, somewhere during the hottest part of the summer my period was 5 days late and we started experience some comments from me like “the bins smell” etc. Konrad looked up signs of pregnancy and we could check them all off. So we bought a pregnancy test. And got stage fright, couldn’t pee on it. When I finally did it was the longest 5 min wait ever. And Konrad stole the stick. And sure, it was positive. We were lucky, super fertile and were just laughing out load. We were going to be parents.

Then to the tricky part, 3 months of not telling everyone. We did tell both our parents straight ahead and had to say no to some parties (as everyone would have known straight ahead). Everyone who came to visit we also had to tell.. Hey virgin mojitos!!

The whole summer was awesome, I felt just like normal. We had some visits, we did some trips, Norway winning all categories!

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So during my first 3 months of pregnancy my life continued and it was a great summer!!
When I was going back to work I was in week 11 or so and that’s when I started feeling worse, nausea from hell broke loose. More about that in next part.

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International women’s day.

I thought I was going to write something about equality and feminism as it’s everything people talk about in Sweden at the moment. I’m an engineer and work in a company which normally has a fairly equal group of people but in my specific case they don’t (we are the engineering company, as one part of the whole). I work with only men and only few time in my life did I actually have a female manager. I’m constantly fighting for being a women and living an equal life and some people might say that Sweden is far, but from my own perspective we are far off, never be happy until it’s actually equal. I don’t believe an international women’s day should even exist, in my dream world it shouldn’t even be needed. And it’s fine working with only men, but I really miss the company of a women sometimes, where I don’t heave to speak hunting/forestry in the lunch room every single day.
When I grew up I always wanted to be a boy, it sucked being a girl, only having brothers a boy friends. I always lost in every competition, people always made fun of me and it was possible to do anything with me, as I was an extremely little girl with little strengths in comparison. I always wanted to be a boy cause I wanted equality, not being old enough to understand that being a boy is not going to solve this issue.
I would never state myself of being a true feminism, as I have the wrong picture of what type of person this is. Don’t get me wrong, I am a feminist in the sense that I fight for equality, I just would prefer to call it equality. And I think it’s every single persons choice to decide what they want to do with their life’s, me fighting everyday to have a more equal workplace for engineers and being a good role model for next generations, some being home with their children. It’s a choice we all make. However if we don’t do anything about it, if all we women do is to complain about the situation, then I can tell you that nothing will happen. If we don’t fight at work, getting women into boards and executive management, if we don’t fight at home about sharing everything equal then NOTHING is going to happen. Cause if we are not their for next generation of girls/women, to make it easier for them to relate and feel included and showing them that truly equal is possible, then again nothing is going to happen. If we continue in the footsteps of the women before us (who of course did a fantastic job for women in general) there wont be a change. So, protest and be angry if you want to, but I don’t believe it’s the only solution, I think we need to step out of our comfort zone, showing the world what a strong women can bring to the table, by doing. Not talking. Not writing. By doing.
That’s my opinion. Now I’m of to our renovation object on the country side were we are putting in an old brick floor today. And to end this, here is a saying which I think is very clever!

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Take care! Xo